Watching House

We open with a couple eating dinner and the man being very opinionated. A couple at the other table is disagreeing with him and the first man confronts them. The disagreeing man swore that he didn’t throw a roll (he did) and that he wasn’t doing anything, even though he clearly was. The man who was disagreeing suddenly has blood coming from his eye and goes down.

House is in bed (yummy – oops – sorry – hormones overreacted there) and slowly waking up. He looks around as if to see someone but no one is there. In his robe he checks the apartment but no one is there either. There’s a red mark on his cheek and his lips from lipstick, and a tube of lipstick on the counter in the bathroom. Cuddy’s?

Taub’s consulting with Cameron in the ER and he doesn’t think the bloody tear patient is worthy of House. He asks Cameron about what he should wear to the wedding and she say that there’s been a “glitch” with the wedding, and that House will be interested in the case. He had surgery to help correct a seizure issue and now he’s having different problems.

Taub goes to the POtW and he tells Taub that he’ll go grocery shopping and wind up with all sorts of stuff in his cart that he didn’t put there – stuff that he hates. And that his left hand hates him, and as he says that his left arm tries to take off the blood pressure cuff.

Taub: Yeah, I think House will be interested.

House walks into the office humming and in a VERY good mood. Taub gives him the case.

Taub: Alien hand syndrome.
House: Set off by a stroke? Or was there a pony in the back yard?

They’re discussing the right and left brain and House is saying that the right brain is cheesy and the left brain is the important one – Taub and Foreman, however, disagree and say that it’s just as important as the left brain.

And in walks Cuddy! Hello Cuddy! House wants to say hello to Cuddy too.

House: Good morning sunshine. We’ve got a brand new toy – wanna play?

The rest beneath the cut!

Cuddy, however, tells him that they need to talk. House tells the crew to search the POtW’s home and goes into his main office with Cuddy. Cuddy tells him that people who get close to him get hurt, and how he’s a valued employee in the hospital. She tells him that they need to focus on the fact that he’s an employee and she’s his boss and that those are the rules. As she walks out, House looks at his hand where he’s holding the lipstick and smiles slightly.

And where do you think House will go after a situation like that? To Wilson, of course! And he does. He goes into the office, sits down in Wilson’s patient chair and speaks.

House: I slept with Cuddy. After she helped me detox from Vicodin. I’ve been clean for almost 24 hours now. Okay. Thought I’d mention it. (and he goes to walk off)
Wilson: Wow. Wow. One for each!
House: That’s what she said.
Wilson: How’s the pain?
House: She probably had some bruising.
Wilson: Yeah, I get it, you’re a stud.

Wilson tells House it’s fantastic and wonders how he’s going to screw it up. House tells him, however, that Cuddy laid down the law. Wilson thinks that she’s either in love with House or that she “jumped him out of pity” (or maternal reasons – the pity remark was House’s). He advises House to talk with Cuddy.

House: Absolutely.

Taub and Thirteen are checking the POtW’s apartment and Thirteen wonders if because the patient is two people, we’re all really two people. Taub, however, wants to know more about the glitch that’s going on between Cameron and Chase. (apparently he has no idea – Thirteen, however, gives him an idea)

Thirteen: It’s always a sad thing when sperm comes between two people.

They find mold in his bathroom from the steam buildup and Thirteen takes a sample.

Taub approaches Chase at the cafeteria and talks to him about the situation. Chase tells Taub that it’s all about how Cameron won’t commit, how she’s already planning for a failed relationship. Taub, however, has some thoughts on that, of course…

Taub: Did you know that male fruit flies have toxic chemicals in their seminal fluid that inhibit the sperm of other males?

And with that, Chase walks off.

House is in Cuddy’s office playing with…something or other. He tells Cuddy that Wilson says that they have to talk.

Cuddy: We talked.
House: I agree. This has clearly gone past the talking stage.

As he walks out he’s shooting what looks like video or a digital camera (a weird one) at her and it’s making beeping sounds.

The POtW’s GF is visiting him and has brought tons of stuff for him. He tells her that she didn’t need to, and she admits that she’s trying too hard and is trying to get his other side to like her. Thirteen brings in some antinausea meds and the girlfriend goes to say goodbye – when she does the POtW’s left hand smacks her across the face – hard! He apologizes and she walks out. He tries to chase after her but he falls when he gets out of bed and says that he can’t walk.

The ducklings are diagnosing and House is still playing with the lipstick tube. House wonders if the cancer cells are connecting the left and right brain and building a bridge that’s half built. Foreman says that they can test for that.

In Wilson’s office, House dumps to pictures of Cuddy on his desk and says that it’s proof. They’re thermal imaging photos and more heated spots occur in Cuddy’s body after she talks to House than were there before. House knows that she lies to him, either the night before or today when she told him to stay impersonal. Wilson, however, is worried that he’s going to mess it up and says so.

Wilson: If this matters to you, please, for once in your life, be an adult.

Foreman Thirteen and Taub are testing the patient with three screens – each one is different, he has to stay focused on the middle screen and words will pop up on either side. His left brain is really weird and isn’t seeing the words but is able to draw them or to do them. This means that the sides of the brain aren’t connecting like House thought. The patient, however, starts itching on his chest and House goes in and notices that he has ammonia breath. He pulls the patient’s shirt aside and sees red marks. The liver is failing.

Wilson is in with Cuddy and she tells him that she’s surprised that he hasn’t said anything about she and House. Wilson says that there’s nothing to talk about. House walks in when they’re talking and looks at Wilson. He asks permission to do the liver biopsy and Cuddy gives it, of course, because it’s not a crazy test, but she accuses him of wasting her time. He puts down his coffee cup, right next to hers (oh I saw that one coming) and they get into each other’s faces. She tells him to do clinic duty and he says he’s blowing off his clinic hours.

Cuddy: Really? Let’s see how that goes. Still not angry – try again later.

He picks up a coffee cup – not his, hers, and walks off.

In the patient’s room Thirteen is trying to do an ultrasound and the left hand is preventing it. The patient asks if they can get music in the room (I’m guessing the hand likes music).

Wilson wonders if House is using the relationship with Cuddy as a substitute for his meds, as he should be in more pain than he’s currently in – that the endorphins are keeping the pain away. House says that he knows that Wilson is dying to know what he found in Cuddy’s coffee cup. It was oxytocin, the chemical that’s found during emotional bonding.

House: Her lips say no, her hormones say “oh my god yes more!”

House says that he needs to make her lose her temper to help her to realize that there’s more there than she’s letting herself see.

Wilson: And then what happens, she admits everything and falls into your arms?
House: That’s outcome one. Outcome two, she kills me. I think it’s 50/50 right now.

Wilson thinks it’s great that House is committing himself to someone, even in this childish way, but wonders if House really wants the relationship to succeed. House, however, notices an old guy standing in his doorway before he can say anything else. The patient’s name is Eugene Schwartz and that Cuddy has sent him up from the clinic.

House: She sent him – that’s gotta mean something.
Wilson: I’ll go get my decoder ring.

Eugene tells House that he squawks like a parrot. He says that it started when he was doing some woodworking – a huge squawk came out. House starts to leave his office and Eugene follows.

Meanwhile in the patient’s room, music is blaring and his left hand is playing air guitar, that it loves to play air guitar. Thirteen suddenly notices splinter hemorrhaging under his nails and the patient lurches up and vomits blood.

In the locker room, where House admits that he’s hiding from clinic duty, they’re discussing the patient. The heart is fine and all of their tests are so far fine. The patient had been sweaty and Thirteen wonders if it’s a symptom – now House wants them to check for pancreatic cancer and tells them to try Led Zepplin.

In Cuddy’s office two men are telling Cuddy how grateful they were for the way one of them was treated during his appendicitis – apparently they’re giving her a very large check. In walks Eugene with a bag for Cuddy – it’s a stool sample that House told him to bring to Cuddy!

In the POtW’s room he’s getting ready to leave – his girlfriend says that she’s not coming back and he’s trying to leave. The right brain, however (left hand) won’t let him leave and knows that he needs treatment – it keeps unbuttoning his shirt.

Cameron shows up in House’s office while he’s staring at Cuddy’s coffee cup. Cameron is trying to bounce her ideas off of House about Chase. House tells her that the only way she’s going to succeed is to tell Chase that she’ll destroy her husband’s sperm. She tells House that she has doubts, that it’s normal.

Cameron: I don’t expect my condo to burn down but I still have fire insurance!

Their discussion, however, is interrupted when Taub tells House that the patient is trying to leave. Before he walks out he has a parting shot for Cameron.

House: If your condo rules don’t let you buy insurance, do you go homeless?

Out of the office, however, House heads away from the patient’s room. He says that they need to connect the two parts of the brain and to get them friends – and he asks Wilson for his help.

The POtW’s in the CT scanner and Wilson is talking to him. He tells the patient to try to communicate with the right brain. The right side has no control and must be frustrated – the left side is the dominate side. Wilson asks him what he does when he goes grocery shopping. He says that he gets up, puts his jacket on, and goes to the store. Wilson says that it must be frustrating because the right brain has no idea why they’re going anywhere, and suggests that he actually says, out loud, what he’s doing. The POtW thinks he’s crazy but the brain, on the scanner, apparently likes what Wilson’s saying.

House’s phone rings and it’s Eugene again – he was buying flowers for his wife and he squawked. Dr. Cuddy gave him House’s number and told him to call any time. House, however, doesn’t seem to want to play.

House: I’m sorry but I’m about to lose you because I’m about to drive into a tunnel, in a canyon, on an airplane, while hanging up the phone.

And he hangs it up. House swears that the patient is having pancreatic cancer and wants them to open up the patient and to use scorpion venom to paint the cancer so that they could find it. The risk of clotting, however, is high, and they say that the clot may go to the brain and kill him.

Taub: Or one of him. The clot in his brain could kill one of them without affecting the other.
Foreman: He might actually be okay with that.

And the surgery is on – Chase paints the liver with the venom and they start to watch it under a UV light. Foreman tells Chase that he’s sorry about him and Cameron and who should be at the door but Cameron. Chase excuses himself and goes out to talk to Cameron.

Cameron: I don’t want to be homeless.

She tells him that she wants to marry Chase and that she got the forms to destroy the sperm. Chase, however, has to run back into the surgery before he can hug Cameron – he notices how she looks when she walks off.

Wilson and House are hanging out on the balcony and Wilson wonders if House really wants the relationship with Cuddy or if it’s just another challenge. They watch as Cuddy comes out of the clinic area with a half naked pirate who is apologizing profusely – a stripper? She escorts him out and walks back. House asks Wilson is she looks angry and then says “oh no” and walks off.

Back in surgery the BP is dropping even more and House is in the observation room and says that they weren’t looking up at the right time – that there’s an arrhythmia in the heart but that it’s intermittent which is why they didn’t see it before. The echo the heart and, sure enough, there’s the arrhythmia. House tells them to get the BP under control and that they have to figure out what damaged his heart before it goes after something he really needs.

They’re trying to figure out why the heart is throwing out so many clots and Thirteen wonders if it’s Cushings, so House tells them to go test for it. As they’re drawing blood the girlfriend comes back because she wants to talk to the doctors. She tells them that she noticed that his hand was angry with the deodorant, and that’s when the hand smacked her too. Suddenly the hand is trying to touch and caress the girlfriend – apparently the right brain is grateful!

House goes into Wilson’s office and points out that the coffee cup has no lipstick on it, and if Cuddy was drinking out of it there should be lipstick. Wilson asks him a question:

Wilson: Do you want to be the man with the answers or do you want to be the man with Cuddy?
House: (confused) What do I do?
Wilson: You make her angry.

He says that he’s serious, and that House has been pulling his punches with the pranks because he’s scared.

Wilson: Now go terrorize her.

In the locker room Chase finds Cameron and asks if she really wants to destroy the sperm. He’s finally figured out that she doesn’t have doubts, but that she doesn’t want to kill the only thing she has left of her husband. She starts crying. He tells her to not destroy the sperm and she cries more – and tells him that she has trouble giving things up, like the fact that she never canceled any of their wedding plans.

House is on the balcony in the lobby and is banging his cane on the banister and says that he has an announcement.

House: As you go about your day, I want you to know that I slept with Lisa Cuddy.

Cuddy comes out of her office and one of the nurses whispers to her what he said. She looks at him furious as he heads for the elevator, and she’s waiting.

She rushes after House who is in the hallway.

Cuddy: This is beyond asshood. You have the luxury of not caring about your image. I do not. I can permit a lot of crap, but an employee shouting about his sexual exploits, with me, no. That is zero tolerance. So congratulations House, I am angry.

House: I was wondering if we should move in together.

Cuddy starts laughing.

Cuddy: You’re fired.

And she walks away.

Eugene is in House’s doorway and tells him that he wouldn’t worry about it – he thinks she likes him. House tells Eugene that he has acid reflux and gives him a prescription for meds. House notices, however, that Eugene moves his belt, and he says that he always moves his belt because it hurts him. House pushes on the belly and says that it’s a tumor, which is why pancreatic cancer was on his mind for the POtW.

Taub comes through the elevator and tells House that the special deodorant that the patient uses has a high amount of propylene glycol, the same thing that made a kid in Singapore get a heart condition and seizures. He says that the patient may never have needed the split brain surgery he got.

House: I’m sure he will half appreciate the irony.

He tells Taub to take Eugene for a pancreatic scan and to stay with him.

House goes into Cuddy’s office and asks if she’s just overreacting about the other night. She tells House that they never could have a personal relationship. He’s blinking and realizes that she’s been overreacting to something he said. He remembers back last week when he asked for her help – how he said “Go suckle your little bastard child”. Cuddy walked out – she didn’t help him.

He looks confused (in the now) and says that’s not what happened – that he told her he needed her and she helped him. He reaches into his pocket for the lipstick and it’s not lipstick but a bottle of hydrocodone. He’s back in his bathroom from last week but Cuddy, who was there, fades away, and he’s there twirling his pills and taking one. Cuddy’s looking into House’s eyes, and all of the things he remembers about having sex with Cuddy never happened – he’s remembering both versions – the fake lipstick, the real vicodin. Amber whispers in his ear.

Amber: So, this is the story you made up about who you are. It’s a nice one.

Kutner: Too bad it isn’t true.

House: No. I’m not okay.

Cuddy and House go into Wilson’s office and everyone looks grim.

We’re not at Chase and Cameron’s wedding day – Cameron looks beautiful in her gown and Chase, of course, looks HAWT (sorry – another girly moment). House is in a car and is being driven by Wilson. Cuddy’s at the wedding with her daughter and House and Wilson are driving up to some huge building. Chase and Cameron exchange rings and House gives all his personal belongings to Wilson. He takes his suitcase and his cane from the car and head to the building. Chase and Cameron kiss (that had to have been weird) as House goes into the building with Wilson watching on. It’s Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital and House is escorted in by a doctor and a few other staff members into the building with Wilson left standing in the middle of the road, watching.

Wow. Wow wow wow! What did you guys think of the season finale?! Kutner back on House - briefly - Amber back (or not gone) - House in a psychiatric hospital! What do you think will happen next season?!